Life is hard...

...and unfair.

You ever been told the following phrase, "Nobody ever said life is fair"? We all heard it, haven't we? Life is fundamentally unfair because we are all human beings, who want to have nice things, who wouldn't after all, or we just want things to be a little easier than they are... Not have to fight for everything, seems like there is always something that goes wrong. Doesn't it? Something always gets messed up in the process and your plans go out the window. You thought you had finally gotten to the point where your bills are covered, so you don't have to sweat paying the rent and the utilities every month and then BAM... they raise the tuition for your kids' daycare. Now how are you supposed to come up with an extra 300 dollars every month? You just got to the point where you finally feel like you can keep your head above water and now this! WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG.... well... there are a lot of things that can go wrong. A lot of things because life is getting increasingly more and more complicated for numerous reasons. There are distances that you have to travel every day, that are further and further from where you live because you can't afford to live close to where you work, the prices are just too high there. So, you need a reliable car because you can't afford car repair bills. So, you need a car that can keep you safe and, on the road, so you decide to bite the bullet and you buy a new car. You get an OK deal on it, with a 9% interest rate but the monthly payments are around 400 dollars so that is $100 per week and if you cut out something, like ... the luxury of buying lunch at the cafeteria because you just don't have time in the morning to make it, and you are too exhausted at night from dealing with your kid's stuff to make it, but you'll find the energy somehow because you need that new car. So, you find a way to make it. But what if some idiot out there plows into your new car and now you have to deal with that! As if you didn't have enough stuff to deal with already! He doesn't seem to be impacted by this loss, he just picks up his phone and calls the insurance company and is on his way, but you are now stuck because you couldn't afford the extra money on your insurance to get a rental replacement so now how will you get to work? How will you get your kid from daycare at night? This is real life for millions of people every day and it is just one irritation after another that we have to deal with.

I know we all look back on times and wish we would have done things differently. Only if... unfortunately only if doesn't work. There is no reverse in the time continuum only forward. Well, here is the good news, though. Although things are rough now or may be rough, harder than you think you have dealt with before, you have to find a way to either look at the future self of yourself and think, do I want her or him to look back on today and say, "only if...". If I only did this... you can't change the past. But you can change the future. It sounds corny and, on some level, stupid. If you knew how to change the future, you would, right? You'd start by changing the present, so your problems would go away, right? That's not an option.

I know it sounds weird. But the only way I have ever found that would get me out of my current problems and put me on a path to a life where these problems, that I am dealing with today, no longer are problems, is by having a solid goal to focus on and to work towards to. That is the only way. I'm not saying there are no other ways. But the only one that works for me, is by focusing on the future and where I want to be and then taking concrete steps to get there and that has been the only thing I could do, and still do, to solve today's problems.

Here is the thing about today's problems. Unless they are so massive that they result in the death of someone, which is basically the end, they can be mitigated by even bigger problems that will surely arise as you start taking steps to move into the future. I don't think today's problems will disappear - they will just be a lot easier manageable and seem like a lot smaller problems as time goes on and you have to start dealing with bigger and more pressing issues. The difference I am finding is that by learning to deal with today's problems by focusing on the future, and where I want to go, is I am gaining skills and abilities to problem solve in general so when the bigger problems arise in the future, I will have the skill set to deal with them.

When my sister was around 17 years old, she had a really rebellious streak. She would sneak out at night, take one of my parents' cars, go for a joyride, go to parties, she would skip school, she would do a lot of things that as a parent, I would have a hard time accepting from my daughter. I don't think my parents dealt with it in a way that was productive, but they did the best they could. Well, my sister grew up and eventually she turned her life around, she became a flight attendant for Northwest Airlines and did ok financially. She maintained a lifestyle that was probably higher than her pay allowed but then she started working for Delta and became very successful, working her way up to being a trainer of other flight attendants in Atlanta. By the vast majority of peoples' estimates, she was very successful. But because she continued to live well above her means, by her estimates she was very unsuccessful. She had some issues financially and it was difficult for her to see a way out. However, by the time she turned 40, she seemed to have learned her lesson, she became more careful with her money, she started to make better decisions. My parents constantly warned her, they fretted over her decisions, her friends were concerned about her, they did an intervention, etc. All that seemed to have changed around the time she turned 40 years old. Seemed like she was on the right track finally.

Then, at the age of 41 she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. 4 years. That's the maximum the doctor told her. 4 years. She didn't tell anyone. She went to treatments; she went to all the treatments... but things were not getting better. Nobody knew except her and her doctors why things are not getting better. Because the type of cancer she had, doesn't get better. There is no cure. There are no treatments. There is just darkness at the end of the tunnel.

None of the problems that seemed so insurmountable from her youth mattered anymore. They all vanished. Not one of them stayed around. Not one mattered because there was no reason for them to matter. They all kind of... vanished. Because death, has a way to simplify things and it doesn't matter what any of us do, that is the faith we will eventually all face. All of our problems, as far as we are concerned, will go away at time point. There are no collection agencies in the afterlife.

So... when she passed away exactly 4 years after she was diagnosed, it made me realize that the reason problems exist and because we make them exist. We create them so we know we are alive. Because once death comes, they don't matter. So, if all the problems we are facing will eventually stop being important anyway... why assign to them a level of importance that diminishes our limited lives in a way that prevents us from being able to enjoy the time we do have on this planet?

My sister lived in a way that most people will say was irresponsible, careless, not looking to the future and not having goals to work towards. She had a great time. She had fun. She traveled the world over and over again ... but that is what she wanted. That is what she looked forward to - that is how she dealt with her problems. She flew away from them. Granted, I saw her choices as being irresponsible at the time, I don't have the luxury to just get up and go. I have a house, a child a life I have to take care of. But I also have a newfound respect for my goals that I am focusing on instead of the problems that I have to deal with. By focusing on the goals, I am finding it easier to deal with problems. Now they are not crippling issues, they are annoyances that are keeping me from getting to where I want to go in life before I die. Annoyances that I deal with by any means necessary so they go away. They are not important. My problems, unless they have to do with the health of my child or my family, are not important. My goals are important. Because I only have one life. I can only live this one time. I have to make the best of this life because once death comes, I am done.

So are you.