What buying a car is REALLY like

WOW! It is a new year, and

YOU WANT TO BUY A NEW CAR!!!!

Oh yes, the time has arrived for you to purchase that fancy new car that you have been looking at for years! You have been saving diligently, and you have a 20% down payment saved up. You have visited your local credit union, and you got a great deal on a loan that you will be paying off weekly for the next 48 months after which you will be the proud owner of your favorite new car in the world!! You make an appointment to test drive the car and you LOVE IT! You get your salesperson to bring you a can of soda and you are ready to proceed to the F & I office to sign your sales contract so that you can drive home in your shiny new car!

Congratulations!!

Now. Let me tell you what buying a car is REALLY like - forget that illusion that you have been able to get all your ducks in a row and you are prepared to purchase the car with your sales slip in hand from your bank and all you need is the signatures to go along with it and you will not fall for high pressure sales tactics at all because you have already taken care of everything because... there are rules when it comes to buying a car.

Rule number 1 - every car finance manager is a liar who will look you dead in the eye and lie straight to your face.

Rule number 2 - if you happen to find a finance manager who is not like everyone else and appears to be honest and to the point, rule number 1 will take effect.

Rule number 3 - every finance manager WILL lie to you - to your face, with a straight face as if they had their hands on a stack of holy books from the world over.

Now - do you have the rules memorized? Good, because unless you are buying a car cash, and you tell that F & I person that the ONLY thing you want from them is the total price you negotiated and NOTHING else and if they try to sell you one iota of anything you will walk right out the door with your cash and never return - unless you are car shopping like that, you will be sold to and very aggressively every known warranty and insurance and financial instrument that they can think of because THEY MAKE MONEY OFF OF IT!

Surprise, surprise. Here is the bottom line.

You cannot let F & I managers off the hook for one second because see rule number 1. But don't worry, you will not hurt their feelings for being direct because they have no feelings. In the job application process, anyone with a shred of human decency has been eliminated as a candidate and only the very bottom of the scum barrel survived long enough to become a finance and insurance manager at a car dealership. So don't think twice about firmly telling them that you are not interested in any of the horseshit they are shoveling and you will not be purchasing any add ons regardless how much they push and if they don't want to write the contract for the car and the car only, you will walk right out the door and never come back - AND YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT AND BE WILING TO DO IT! Because they will lie to your face about all that garbage and unless you are willing to read the fine print on everything when you get home, you will wind up paying for their next vacation to Mexico.

Make no mistake about it - they will try every single tactic to sell you everything under the sun. Why, that new car you just bought with a factory warranty and bumper to bumper protection does not include seat cleaning and imagine if your niece or child spilled soda on it and stained your nice new seats, you need fabric protection coverage! OR - the warranty will expire sooner than you think and cars are expensive to repair and somehow that very same car the sales person has talked up to the heavens about how great it is, all of a suddenly is a hunk of junk ready to break down on you at a moment's notice and you must have their extended warranty and OMG what if you lose your job and you need GAP insurance!

Here is the bottom line - the warranties they sell is not worth the paper it is written on. Read all the exclusions in the warranty and you will realize that you are paying for a warranty that will cover nothing. It is only designed to make the dealer money. The only good thing about the warranty paperwork is if you have sudden diarrhea and you need the paper to wipe your behind because that is all that warranty is good for. Read the fine print - did the F & I manager tell you that you can cancel at any time, oh but do them a favor and hold onto it for 6 months and cancel then - you will get almost all your money back - but that way they can get you a better rate "even though I am not supposed to do this but I like you" - that is your que to tell him/her to F right off because he is a lying bastard. Read the contract - chances are there is a cancellation clause in there that specifically tells you that YOU Must cancel the warranty within 60 days, or you can kiss your money goodby. ALL YOUR MONEY. But wait - the F & I person said hold it for 6 months, right? You know what will happen if you try to go back to the dealer and try to cancel in 6 months? They will laugh in your face and tell you that it was your responsibility to read the contract not theirs.

So, avoid all that crap and just decline every offer and if they keep pushing it, stand up, walk away. Walk away. You are buying a depreciating asset. Your car will be only worth what YOU assign to it - will it take you to your place of employment so you can make money? Then it will be worth it for you to purchase. But don't look at it as an asset you will need to protect because again, warranties are not worth the paper they are written on. If you buy a new car, you will have the factory warranty and if you are so worried about having funds available to fix the car, take an extra 50 bucks a week, set it aside in a simple interest baring account and, in a year, or so you will have $3000 dollars saved up. If you are purchasing a new car, you will most likely have a 36 month, or 36,000-mile warranty on it from the manufacturer. If you save 50 bucks a week for the duration of your factory warranty, you will have close to $10,000 by the time the factory warranty expires and that will be YOUR warranty to fix YOUR car and it will not be a handover of $4000 dollars of your money to some liar who will try to sell you a useless warranty that will not cover anything anyway.

Lastly, here is the perfect demonstration of what happens during the car buying process if you put your faith in the hands of an F & I manager at a dealer.

A guy dies and goes up to the pearly gates where St Peter is waiting for him. St Peter says, "Welcome my son, here in heaven we are awaiting your arrival. We know you are a special person, and we want to treat you right. So, in YOUR honor, we will give you a choice - we will let you tour both heaven and hell and you actually will decide based on your own experience and perception which one you will choose to spend eternity in. Sounds good?"

"Oh, sure, ok, why not. Let me see heaven first." OK. So, they start touring heaven. It's very nice. There is citer music and harps and people and angels are sitting on clouds, and everyone is content, and they seem to be ok, and everyone is just mellow and just relaxed, just sitting around. Well, the guy thinks to himself, this is nice and all, but back on earth he was a party guy, he liked to live it up and this is... boring to him. So, after a while, St Peter says "ok my son, now you saw Heaven, let's go see Hell". So, they take the elevator down to hell and as they get off the elevator, there is the most beautiful beach scenery the guy has ever seen! Clear, warm waters. Powder soft sand. Amazing sunset just sitting over the horizon. A huge bar to the right of the elevator and the bartender is serving FREE drinks! Anything he wants! So, St Peter says, "ok, hang out for an hour and I will be back to get your decision." The guy goes up to the bar, and the bartender without asking, places his favorite drink right in front of him and says, "enjoy brother! Plenty more where that came from!" and he is sitting in the most comfortable bar seat he has ever experienced and drinking his favorite drink and all of a sudden, he is surrounded by the most perfect and beautiful women he has ever seen in his life, and they are all wearing the tiniest bikinis in the world! So, they are just hanging out and drinking and all the women are all open minded and they tell him after the party they will go back to his amazing suite and enjoy a naked pillow fight and then drink some more and then party for ever and ever and all he has to do is just sign on the dotted line to stay there!

Just as he hears this amazing opportunity, the elevator door opens and there is St. Peter and he says to the guy, "now that you have seen both places, let's get you back up to heaven so you can start your eternal life in the clouds..." but the guy says, "hey, no offense, I like Heaven and all but THIS - THIS is the place for me, I am at home here and I want to stay here forever I mean it is beautiful and look at these girls and this sunset and these drinks and beach and everything! I love this place!" All right, says St. Peter, let's go sign the contract. So, they go back to Purgatory and St. Peter puts the contract for Hell in front of him and he signs eagerly and then they get back on the elevator and he can't wait for it to go back down to hell so he can start experiencing the wonderful, amazing life he saw there... they reach Hell and the door opens and St Peter kicks him in the ass, he falls out of the elevator, the door slams shut behind him and disappears as if it was never there!

And the guy stands up and looks around and he is shocked! The beach is gone, all there is, is molten lava, everywhere, just pits of fires and all the people are ugly and they are all bent over and hurting and not a drink in sight, no bar, just anguish and pain and no women and no booze and no sunset just a miserable and painful volcano and there is a big ugly slave master standing there with a whip made of bolts and he cracks the whip on the backs of the miserable and in pain people and their flesh is being thorn and he gets hit with the whip and it is the most excruciating pain he ever felt and he is on fire and he can't shake it and he keeps getting whipped and he is in utter agony and pain and anguish, his flesh is being ripped to shreds by the whip and he is confused and finally he cries out in utter pain "WAIT! I was here just a minute ago and there a bar and beautiful girls and drinks and sand and sunset and clear turquoise waters and WHAT HAPPENED???"

And the ugly beast with the whip throws his head back with laughter and says to the miserable wretch who is being beaten with a sharp whip,

"OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN HERE DURING THE SALES PRESENTATION!"